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'Twas down by Christ's church where I first met with Annie
A neat little girl and not a bit shy
She told me her father who came from Dungannon
Would take her back home in the sweet by and by

And what's it to any man whether or no?
Whether I'm easy or whether I'm true
As I lifted her petticoat easy and slow
And tied up my sleeve to buckle her shoe

All along Thomas Street and down to the Liffey
The sunshine was gone and the evening grew dark
Down by King's Bridge and begod in a jiffy
My arms were around her beyant in the park

And what's it to any man whether or no?
Whether I'm easy or whether I'm true
As I lifted her petticoat easy and slow
And tied up my sleeve to buckle her shoe

In city or country a girl is a jewel
And well fit for sparkin' the most of them are
But any young man would be really a fool
If he tried at the first time to go a bit far

And what's it to any man whether or no?
Whether I'm easy or whether I'm true
As I lifted her petticoat easy and slow
And tied up my sleeve to buckle her shoe

If by chance you should go to the town of Dungannon
You may search 'till your eyeballs are empty or blind
If you're sittin' or walkin' or runnin' or standin'
A girl like Annie, you never will find

  The above lyrics are to an Irish song called Easy and Slow and it's good advice about not coming on too strong to quickly.  Another very different American song also stresses the wisdom of taking it slow.  The video of the song is embedded below.

 

Here's another one that sort of says take it slow.

 

  There are two reasons I can think of that men come on too strong.   One is they believe that by coming on strong they make it clear to the woman they're interested in her sexually so she will know they want to date her and so will date them.  The other is they may believe that coming on sexually turns her on. 

   An article in the New York Post (1/14/04) tells how Kirstie Thompson, a former model, said that Damon Dash, a hip-hop mogul came up to her and asked her "Will you have sex with me?"  she said "He asked me three times and I said absolutely no.  And he said, 'Everyone has sex with me.'"

    Why didn't Damon's approach work?  Women say they want a man who is confident and he certainly wasn't afraid to tell Kirstie what he wanted.  Women want a man who is sincere and he certainly was honest and forthright.  Women like a man who other women want and he told her that everyone has sex with him.  Why did she reject him? 

   Kirstie explained:

I'm 32 years of age, and I'm not a virgin, but I'd never heard such a vulgar line in my life.  What woman would be romanced by someone saying, "Will you have sex with me?" and being denied three times and telling you he's had sex with everyone?

    She considered his request to have sex vulgar.   His saying that he had sex with everyone probably sounded even more vulgar.   Most people want their partner to consider them special not as just another sexual victory so saying that he had sex with everyone did not earn Damon any points.   Inspite of her refusal Kirstie says Damon would not take no for an answer and raped her.  I think that some men think that if they have sex with a woman she will fall in love with them.  I don't know if that is what Damon thought but it certainly didn't happen and Kirstie filed suit against him for 15 million dollars for raping her. 

    Askmen.com had a message from a girl who called herself Harriet about how she reacted to a man coming on too strong.  She wrote:

Two nights ago I went out with a pilot, a very confident and sophisticated man. He was also quite articulate and had fascinating stories to tell about his world travels. But when he put his hand on my knee for the third time, I was ready to cry out, "Check, please!"

   Kimberly Dawn Neumann wrote a good article about ways men come on too strong for MSN Dating and Personals.

   Catherine Zeta Jones a beautiful actress who starred in Zorro and other movies tells how when she first met Michael Douglas he told her that he wanted to be the father of her children.  She says she thought he was crazy.   Now he's the father of her children.  Which all goes to show that you should ignore everything I just wrote about the danger of coming on too strong.  Maybe what it shows is there is an exception to every rule.

   Joe Millionaire was a TV show in which Evan Marriott a 19,000 a year construction worker in real life pretended to be a multimillionaire to a lot of young women who were bought to his "chateau" in France by Fox TV.  He wanted to find a woman who didn't want him for his money and was convinced by the producers that this was the way to do it.  (Let me get this straight you may be saying, he wants to get a woman who doesn't want him for his money by pretending to be a multimillionaire?) The idea was that at the end he would tell the woman he chose that he really wasn't a multimillionaire.  He dates each one, then chooses those who will go to the next round.  Of course the way to find out was simply to date girls and be up front with them and get rejected for not being ambitious enough which is what he had been doing previous to the show.  When girls were very aggressive with him he thought to himself they are acting that way because they want my money.  The one who he chose in the end was one of the least aggresive women a woman named Zora.  One of the women he rejected I think really did like him for who he was and I also think she was the prettiest of the girls.  She made one big mistake.   On a date she read him a poem talking about being husband and wife.  Evan when discussing the girls at the end of the show said  "Never talk about marriage on the first date."  (Those might not be his exact words).  She came on too strong to Evan so he probably thought she was in it for the money.  When you come on too strong too soon people don't believe you're feelings are genuine.  Also if their feelings are not as strong it can scare them off. 

   Billy Joel wrote a song called Tell Her About It which encourages men to tell the woman they love how they feel.     There may be times when Billy Joel is right and you should tell her about it.  However, just as the woman on Joe Millionaire made a mistake by telling Evan about it, it can be a mistake to tell women about it too soon.  Don Diebel author of The Complete Guide To Meeting Women  wrote in his Succeed With Women Newsletter of  07/30/2000 about the dangers of expressing one's love to quickly.  He wrote:

This week I want to warn you about a guaranteed way to scare single women off.  What is it?  It's called the, "I Love You Too Soon Method." Let me explain how this failure with women tactic will drive women away from you.  In the beginning you start calling them names like, sweetheart, darling, or honey.  (Don't call any woman these names in the beginning of dating someone - they are reserved for when you have established a relationship.  Women don't like to be called these names by someone they don't know yet).

Then after only 2-3 dates you tell the girl that you love her.   Trust me guys, love takes time to develop.  It just doesn't happen after only 2-3 dates.  What you've really fallen in is lust, especially if she is pretty and or has a beautiful body.

Also, women are more cautious in affairs of the heart.  They want to take time to get to know you before committing to an exclusive relationship.   So, when you profess your love for them so prematurely, they just want to run.   They feel like you are putting too much pressure on them so early in the relationship.  Coming on too strong early in a relationship is too overwhelming for her and she is going to want to dump you.

Some good advice is to take things slow and let love develop on it's own pace and time table.  Don't rush her or it will backfire by scaring her away.

    I think that many women don't trust men and when men come on too strong they interpret that as a sign that the man wants to take advantage of them.  It's important to build up trust first before making moves that are interpreted as a sign that you're just out to score.

    The New York Post had an article in the living section on August 3, 2000 called How Average Guys Catch Beauties by Karen Robinovitz.   The article talks about Steve Vames and how he attracted his girlfriend.  Both are shown in the picture below.

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    According to the article he has a surefire method for snaring women: feigning disinterest which is exactly what he is doing in the picture.   He looks positively bored.  I'll bet he isn't though!

"I'm not wimpy," he says. "But I wouldn't hit on a girl on the subway or pass someone my number in a bar. I pursued Sneha by not making a move on her - for years. It was Zen-like. And eventually, she mauled me,"

    The movie The Tao of Steve is based on the real-life antics of Duncan North, a 36-year-old, overweight, self-proclaimed average dude from Santa Fe with an endless supply of girlfriends. The Tao is as follows:

* Eliminate desire.

* Do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness.

* After you've eliminated desire, after you've been excellent with her, retreat and she will pursue you.

   North discovered his chick-snatching m.o. by mistake, when he was 16 and hanging out with friends at a bar.

"My friends, who were taller and thinner and better looking than me were hitting on beautiful women like 60-year-old men, saying things like, ‘Oh, you're so pretty,' ‘You have nice hair,' and ‘You're so smart.' So I went with the desireless approach."

Then he "proved to be excellent" by making good conversation with one woman.

"After that, I left to go outside and have a cigarette. Five minutes later, she came out to give me her number."

He perfected his Eastern-influenced technique over years, but stopped consciously using the Tao by his mid-20s.

"Now I just find that if I talk about stuff that I care about and I'm real, girls dig it."

It obviously works: "My friends will tell you that I score right and left and all the time," he says, adding that he's currently casually dating a few women.

   By not making sexual comments Steve is avoiding being offensive.  By not showing too much desire Steve is avoiding scaring women off.   My girlfriend told me that women are less attracted to men who have a lean hungry look because they are so desperate to get a girlfriend.  More than one of my female friends has complained to me about how guys were too sexual with them. One of them called me to tell me how a man had gone on and on talking about her breasts etc. and how she felt violated and raped.  This was a man who had wanted to date her.  My guess is that he thought that by talking sexually he would attract her.  Men are so stupid.  (I am a man so I can say that.)  Another female friend complained to me about how a guy wanted to touch her in certain areas on the first date.  As a result she felt he just wanted her for sexual reasons and that he didn't love her.  It could be that he did like her and he was attracted to her and thought that by touching her in certain places he'd be able to get her attracted to him.   That is generally a bad idea unless a woman gives you clear signs that she wants you to behave that way.

    When I was in college a friend of mine told me that he was on a trip somewhere in a car with a bunch of guys and a very beautiful girl.    He said the guys kept hitting on the girl but that he ignored her.  He said that night she was all over him.

   Pillow Talk, a 1959 movie starring Doris Day and Rock Hudson is about a man who is constantly seducing women who decides to seduce Doris Day.   His approach is to be the perfect gentleman.  He invites her to his room but doesn't make a move.  He never makes a move other than to ask her out.  And he wins her heart until she finds out that he is pretending to be someone he isn't.  The makers of this movie understood the importance of not coming on too strong.

   I have learned from my own experience that if I feel strong attraction in the beginning I should try not to come on to strong but rather try to be her friend.  Approaching a girl with the attitude "How can I seduce her now" is likely to be a turnoff.  If you try and be friend, and try and make her laugh she will probably feel attracted to you.  Trying to rush things is likely to prevent them from happening.  That doesn't mean that if she wants to kiss you on the first date you should insist on just being friends, if she wants to carry it further and you do than let her. 

    Even if I think the girl is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen I have learned to avoid telling her so in the beginning.   Any comments that are more sexual in nature than telling a woman she's beautiful should definitely be avoided.  There are plenty of times when I've seen calm men hit it off with women that I was very attracted to but either was avoiding because I was afraid of showing too much attraction or who I had scared off by doing so. 

    Women friends of mine have complained to me about how men come on too strong.  A female friend of mine, told me about a nice guy she met but complained that he called her the next day.  He didn't do anything morally wrong, he was just interested and being friendly but she wasn't ready for that.  An irony of this is that women have complained to me that "He hasn't called yet".   Maybe those men have learned that if they call right away they get rejected.  There's probably a happy medium.  One girl complained about a male friend of  mine taking two weeks to call her.  She said that was too long.  She had found someone else in the mean time who she praised for telling her how good she kissed and she said that made her feel special.   

   Although sometimes it's difficult to know how soon to express one's feelings, if the other person has shown clear signs of interest then it is important to strike while the iron is hot.  That doesn't necessarily mean letting the object of one's affections know the true extent of one's passions but it means at least asking the person out.

    I am friends with a woman (who I'll refer to as Susan) who had a nice handsome and intelligent man (who I'll refer to as Bill) who was interested in her.  After Bill met Susan he called her every night and kept trying to arrange dates.  Susan was frightened by this and felt pressured.  She agreed to go out with Bill on a date after he asked her on the phone partly because it was hard to reject him.  She then changed her mind and left a message that she had to cancel their date.  One day she, I and a group of friends were going for dinner and he joined us.  The two of them got in a conversation and he accused her of being unreliable for canceling their date together. 

    Susan is not an unreliable person.  Bill, by making this accusation further destroying his chances with Susan.  If he had come on slower he might have had a chance with her. 

    Susan had another problem with a guy we'll call Mike.  Mike was handsome nice and affectionate.  The problem was that he was too affectionate.  Susan told him she didn't feel comfortable going that fast.  Mike became angry.  This is ridiculous.  Susan has no obligation to satisfy Mike's sexual urges.  Mike has no justification for his anger.  If Mike wants to find someone else who will give him immediate gratification of his sexual urges that is his right but Susan owes him nothing.  Generally the women who don't go all the way in the beginning of a relationship are better people than the ones who do.  Mike by leaving Susan for a loose woman may be making a big mistake.

 


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