The only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror
which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

Franklin D. Roosevelt
First Inaugural Address
March 4, 1933

     There she is.  She's beautiful.  You're worried she won't like your appearance.  You ask yourself, "Why would she be interested in me, she could have anyone?" You want to talk to her but you are afraid and you don't know what to say.  You're worried you'll say the wrong thing.  You're worried that she won't want to date you.

   You're right, she probably won't.  One reason she probably won't want to date you is that when you worry you project a lack of confidence.  Men's anxieties and fears radiate from them and women's antennas pick it up.  All the women interviewed by Alex Stone for his video The Secrets of Meeting and Charming Women  stressed how important it is that a man have confidence. 

   One of the tragedies of lack of self confidence is it creates a vicious cycle toward even less confidence. 

Lack of Confidence with Women

Women reject self images/acycle.gif (14544 bytes) Women feel unattracted to oneself

    So how do we become more confident?  There may be a good reason not to be confident.  A funny saying I came across about this is:

Confidence is the feeling that one has until one truly understands the nature of the problem.

   Sometimes though understanding the true cause of one's past problems may actually lead to more confidence.  Our past failures may not have been due to our general inferiority and unattractiveness but rather due to lack of confidence.  In fact we may not be inferior or unattractive at all.  We can tell ourselves that if we don't let ourselves worry when we approach a girl we are much more likely to be successful.   Ciarra, a beautiful woman interviewed in Alex Stone's video said that when men approach her it's a big compliment and it shows they have self confidence.  She asked why should she spent her time on men who don't have enough self respect to approach her?

   The first woman interviewed on Alex Stone's video, Melissa, is a psychotherapist.   She suggested that one way to improve one's confidence is to leave notes around the house that boost one's self confidence.  Those notes could have written on them "I'm good enough" "People like me" and so on.  An article in Psychology Today pointed out that, that approach often doesn't work because people don't believe the signs they post around the house.  Marie, another woman interviewed on Alex Stone's video, suggested that men could boost their self confidence by listening to self help tapes. If during the day one is constantly worrying about work or other things then when one meets a woman in a party one evening one is likely to lack confidence. Part of one's success around women depends on one's attitudes when one is not around them. This web site has a large self help section which may also be helpful toward improving one's self confidence. 

   Lori another women interviewed on Alex Stone's video advises men not to worry about being confident.  If one worries about being confident enough when approaching a women one's worries will lead one to radiate lack of confidence. Lori suggested just being oneself.  I would add to this that its important not to become self critical when one thinks about how to be more attractive because being self critical will make oneself less attractive.  It's important to approve of oneself.   Self approval creates self confidence that is so important to being attractive.   Saying to oneself "I approve of you the way you are" may be a good way to make oneself more attractive.

  I asked a girl who was having an enthusiastic conversation with a friend what he was saying or doing and she told me that when he met her he was clearly happy to see her.  Maybe instead of worrying about what to say it's better to just show the person one is happy to see them.

  Just worrying during the day can cause lack of confidence and unhappiness which makes one unattractive.  One's job may be a source of anxiety and low self esteem, some thoughts about coping with that are on the Coping with Work page of this web site.  Perhaps the secret to being attractive is being an optimist. 

   Self confidence isn't only important for dating.  It's important in business dealings and in socializing in general.  If one projects confidence people in the business world are more likely to feel confident in one's abilities.  If one can gain self confidence one will be more successful in one's career and in one's social interactions and that in turn will lead to more self confidence.  That doesn't apply if one is confident that everything is OK when it's not or that one is using the right approach to a problem when one is not.  It does mean that one shouldn't conclude that one is incompetent because an approach one takes fails.

   For a related web page see the making conversation web page of this web site.



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